please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
soo... how was my night?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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