Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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