We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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