you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
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He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
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Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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