Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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