I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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