saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
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and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
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ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie