Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.