hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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