Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
