Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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