I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm just crazy horny about you
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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