Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
