It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
