Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
