hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
time to smoke my breakfast
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
