i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
