The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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