on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Randomize
