He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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