The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
two words...techno handjob
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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