When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Locals Wish Tourists Would Stop Doing These 27 Things
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?