I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
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I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
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He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait