I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...