3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.