Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
even my farts smell like vagina
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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