I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Congratulations! We have a period
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