So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
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there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
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I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed