I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.