I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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