if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
