Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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