i wish my penis had a tongue
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
