My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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