Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
