Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize