She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
