I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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