In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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