I looked at my own cervix.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
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My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
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I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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