I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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