I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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