if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
