I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
