dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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