Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
