last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
