I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
