you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Randomize
