You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
