Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I am one with the molecules
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
