I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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