Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I accidentally had phone sex last night
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
