my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
