I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
