Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
