its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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