i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
