my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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