There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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